Confessions

“Let’s talk…”

He took my hand, and led me into the sanctuary.
We were wearing nothing short of just missions attire, nothing fancy.
He sat me by the altar. Nervously smiling.

He shared his heart.
And asked me to make him the happiest man alive.
And there in the sanctuary of El Pipila church of Tijuana, Mexico…. he got down on one knee and proposed.

There were no fancy tricks or elaborate scheme. It was what it was…. Dave. Eury. and God. We were on the mission field… a place where I’ve always found God to be the most divinely romantic. The mission field was where I was given new life… where I was baptized… where I found healing from my past and now…hope for my future. We were in God’s house. And I would have had it no other way.

In the past two years, I would typically share stories about our comical moments and knee slapping anecdotes. Very rarely do I ever mention….that Dave is my best friend. He makes me laugh everyday…without fail. All food tastes an infinite times better when we share it. He knows how I like my coffee…why I will never drive downtown alone… and why I love the color pink. He’s the only man I know that can smile after I lash out in a fit of temper. He never retaliates. He never keeps record of my wrongs. When he drives…he breaks extra slow, knowing that I get easily carsick. Even before we dated, he believed in my calling and was man enough to respect a female in ministry. But, even more than all these things….. he helped close the door to my past, my past of mistakes and pain. And now..he opened the door to my future, asking if he could remain a part of it till we enter eternity.

I said yes.

Had a moment today.

Reviewing the days to come, events to plan, children to bless, people to call, meetings to arrange, issues to evaluate…oh..so many things.

As I sat there, an uninvited burden entered the room and sat rudely on my shoulders, whispering incessant reminders of my weakness and faults. Took a hold of my soul, a threatening grip. A laundry list of failures pulled out of my past and recited before me. A scrutinizing evaluation of my heart.

It was a moment today… when lies tried to silence truth. When darkness tried to blot out the blinding light of salvation.

You’re right, I replied.

Silence.

You’re right.
I can’t.
But, Christ can.
And that Christ lives in me. He is the Alpha and Omega that part the Red Sea, that fed the five thousand, that raised Lazarus, that cast out your minions, who died on the cross and rose to glory……that I may be able to look upon your accusations and deem them NULL AND VOID.

There is no integrity, intelligence, or strength in me that grants me merit. But I wear this badge of salvation, a sign that declares all such depravity…. NULL AND VOID.

You’re note on my failures and weaknesses is quite accurate, I admit. Your condemning score keeping on my life is quite impeccable I must say.
But, you seemed to have missed a few details…

“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!” Galatians 2:20-21

It is 6 p.m., and it is 83 degrees F.

Ah, San Diego.

Spent the day in my church office today,
Doing some seminary readings on Exodus
Preparing for upcoming youth group events
Trying to avoid the spider that made a home in the corner

As I was typing away and highlighting texts,
Couldn’t help but contently sigh and close my eyes

A song sang in my heart.
Dios Esta Aqui
tan cierto como el aire que respiro
tan cierto como la manana se levanta el sol
tan cierto como este canto lo puedes oir
Santo Santo Santo
Mi Corazon Te Adora
Mi Corazon que sabe decir
Santo eres Tu

My God on the mission field is also my God in my heart.
Living with Him, moment by moment

He’s very good company

Fall season has kicked into gear here in San Diego.
With it came SLIGHTLY cooler breezes…. with earlier sunsets.
That’s it.
I’m definitely in San Diego. I’m so used to the fall season kicking into gear with freezing rains and and the changing of leaves.

Not so much in Cali-for-ni-A.

I’ve been a San Diegan for six months. I no longer crave pinkberry or yogurtworld. The ocean is no longer a breathtaking spectacle. The mountains seem to sort of blend in the background while I drive through the highways now (I don’t feel like I’m part of a nature scene in the Lord of the Ring’s anymore when I’m on the I-5). I’m so sick of In-N-Out and Rubio’s. I actually tire of the sun time to time. A little rain maybe? A thunderstorm? never? not once?

I remember the first month I was in San Diego…. there was one day with three hours of cloudiness and a slight drizzle. Someone commented, “I think it’s because of El Nino”

lol. sigh.

There’s nothing like a cross-country road trip to make you feel like a mere speck on this earth. 

It’s humbling for a sheltered, churched heart like mine, where words like “change the world” and “ask for nations” overflow so effortlessly. The past three nights and three days have pressed a sense of reality into me. Do I have any idea how big the world really is?

To skeptical peers and leaders back home, I’ve been waving my dreams and ideals to justify the seemingly impractical move to the west coast. My mouth declared of God’s faithfulness. My fists pumped the air for the youth of the upcoming generations. My eyes glared at whoever tried to cheapen my hopes and visions. But, as the car’s mileage increased, my heart decreased to a silence. Do I have any idea how big the world really is?

 “He must become greater; I must become less.” John 3:30

Lord, help me to be nothing more than a vessel. Nothing more.  

Crochet is my latest fad. No matter how grandmotherly it looks or how slow it is… I can’t help but love it.What started off as a long crooked chain of yarn…became a ribbon…became a belt…. became a scarf….and now a super-scarf. Every time I flaunt my ever progressing work to others, all I get are unbelieving giggles because I tell them that it’s a quilt-to-be. Whenever I hear “it’s a parrot blanket!” or “it’s a snake’s quilt” or whenever I see my lovely roommate facetiously wrap it around her waist and coo “oooooh, I’m warm already!!!” ……..

I just say right back, “THINK OF THE POSSIBILITIES!!!!!!!!”

Funny how I didn’t go to prayer meeting today. I figured that because I was going to miss the sermon and probably only stay about half an hour….why go? How easy it is for me to gloat over a one half-centimeter sized stich…but scoff at thirty minutes invested in eternity.Every time I turn down opportunities like this, I shrug my shoulders and say, “It’s only half an hour!” ……

And God just says right back, “THINK OF THE POSSIBILITIES!!!!”

There’s no kicks and giggles when it comes to fighting the flesh. But, this, too, is forgiven. More opportunities will arise. Days will pass. Years will pass. As of now, my soul is like the dinky super-scarf I have unfinished beside me. Oh, but one day…. one day, I will unravel my finished work to my Lord……my grand, myriad-colored tapestry that will unroll endlessly down His courts.Tomorrow, I hope to make a few more stitches.Think of the possibilities.

Half hour lunches are no fun.A part of me aches to be in California so that I can rid myself of these crazies that I see everyday at work. (But, the other part of me aches to stay….for reasons I obviously do not consider during this time)

 Every afternoon, about 12:15 or so…. I sink into my chair. Hair frazzled. Head down.

  God sits across from me. Elbows on the table, eyes on my soul. I dish out the “Can you believe what she did”…the “How dare” …oh, and especially the “It’s not fair!”   

 ”…any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple.” Luke 14:33

 Smiling at my pout, the Lord gently lays his hand on my heart.  My clinched fists sigh a release…letting go of pride from my right hand and selfishness from my left. For another day, I give into the costs of being a disciple…..simply because it would be foolish to deny that ultimately…. I’m the one with the bargain deal. God’s love. It was pretty much a steal really. Anyhoo.30 minute are up. Here I go again.